Satan's Clause

With global climate change on the horizon, this generation is pretty much already acclimated to uncomfortable heat, similar to that of fire and brimstone. With that being said, Hell doesn't seem to be such a bad option any longer. And while I can't say we're really down for 24/7 intensive labor, which might be kind of a bummer, I think as I former Strategic Communications student, I could re-vamp the whole "Hell" images to really make my generation fearful of eternal damnation. My idea is that, in Hell, everyone would live (or not) much as they do now, day in and day out with a few... alterations. Here are some ideas I have in mind:

-Dial-up Internet connection would be the only Internet service allowed. Not even a lack of Internet is as terrible as dial-up. Think about spending eternity on dial-up and stuck in chat rooms whilst trying to upload YouTube videos. That's basically what the Internet would consist of, dial-up, ICQ as your only means of communication, slow YouTube videos, and Askjeeves as your only search engine.


-Old-timey cooking would be the only meal options available. This would constitute that all meals be inspired by the Depression Era and should consist mainly of such courses as beef tongue, gruel, cabbage soup, and worst of all, divinity, just to name a few.


-Dharma and Greg on Every Channel- with NO mute button.


-Taylor Swift/Nickleback/Miley Cyrus karaoke night, every night. All songs to be sung by The Captain (A Beacon Hill pub "favorite") and my good ol' roommate from China, Jing. And you wouldn't be allowed to drink prior to enduring this.


-All font would be in Comic Sans.


-Mullets would be the required haircut for everyone.


-The only bored game allowed would be Monopoly, and all players must actually complete the game in its entirety.


-The preferred (and only) foot wear of hell would be these:

-There would be no more Snuggies!

-But there would be these:

Papa Don't Preach

Bellow are some lil' quips and words of wisdom that show the juxtaposition of my parents perspectives on relationships and sex. I like the contrast in this list.

-Advice from Mom: (To my friends)- "Do you masturbate? I hope you do. You know, masturbation is the safest form of sex."

-Wisdom from Dad: "You know, Whitney, males never really mature past 13. If they tell you otherwise, they're lying."

-Mom (in one long breath): (On my supposed kidney infection): "Are you having sex? I don't care if you are, I just need to know. You know, sex causes these things. I know you don't want to hear this, but when I first started dating Bill, our sex caused a kidney infection. I mean, you're probably having sex. Limit your partners. You could avoid this if you would limit your partners."

-Dad: "I don't want to hear about this. Don't talk to me about kissing boys. You better not be kissing any boys. Are you trying to give me a heart attack? I don't want to hear about this."

-Mom: (On me being stressed out)- "Having sex helps."

-Dad: "No guy better ever touch my daughter. I used to be a cop. I know how to hide a body. The Berkly Pitt is pretty deep."

-Mom: (On whether or not to give me a hope chest for High School graduation)- "What's the point? It's not like you're ever going to get married. I have no hope for that, so why get you a hope chest?"

-Dad: (On whether or not I'm having children)- Me- "I'm not going to have kids. Ever. Period." Dad- "Oh yes you are. Probably not any time soon. You're too smart for that. You're brother on the other hand... well, I wouldn't doubt if he was the next father of our country."

-Mom: "You know your problem? Your clothes. If you dressed better, you'd probably get more second dates."

-Dad: "Let the guy chase you. If you're chasing the guy, you're doing something wrong."

-Dad: "Guys are really very simple. We don't think in complex terms."

-Mom: "I'll never understand men. You probably wont either. Don't bother trying."

Fur-galicious

It has been brought to my attention that it is not okay to wear fur. That is to say, it is not okay for me, as an almost 24 year old female to wear fur, vegetarian or not. However, I have been doing some thinking and it seems to me that there still are several people who seem to avoid being reprimanded for their animal pelt lust. This just is not fair to me. The list below are some of those people:

Mountain Men

We don't even have a modern need for mountain men. There is no supply and demand for trading in the high mountain passes. But still, we see these mountain men (and no, I am not talking about poachers, that is something a bit different), and let them slide with wearing a plethora of animal furs and carcases as, mangled together, not only coats, but hats, mittens, boots, fuck- probably even underroos. For them, it is simply a lifestyle choice. So why can't I have the same choice, only more fashionable?

Old Spinsters

Should it be okay just because their furs came from the Depression Era? Is it wrong to throw red paint on elderly, often times senile women? Apparently so. The social fur-wearing playing field needs to be leveled. Consider this a warning.

Eskimos

I realize this is a cultural and survival thing, but seriously, I never hear about Inuit populations being egged by PETA.

Christmas Carolers

It is almost iconic to see carolers with fur muffs or even hats. Seeing as this trend is in association with Christmas, most people pass it off in the name of good cheer and seasonal tidings. It's not fair. Year round fur for all!

Russians

Yes, I understand it is freezing beyond anything I could possibly imagine in Russia, but seriously, it is as though even the Russian homeless population is decked out in animal hats, coats, and mittens.

Santa Claus

His is the most cosmetic out of them all. Why does he have a ball of fur at the end of his hat? It serves no purpose other than pure fashion, along with the rest of his fur trimmings (provided we are talking about an authentic Santa Claus and not a mall one). And seeing as his look is derived from the northern hemisphere regions, you know it is probably made from Arctic Fox or Arctic Rabbit or Polar Bear- all endangered. What an asshole!

It's simply not fair. These folks get to romp around wearing dead animals with pride and sometimes even respect, but I am not allowed to- even though my animals are purchased used. The way I see it, I already don't eat animals, so let me have some part in their consumption frenzy. At least it is a natural fiber, unlike many of the synthetics that, due to their questionable production, will probably kill the animal that I am wearing anyway.

Irrational Fears

The following list is a list of my irrational phobias and my reasoning behind them that actually cause me some anxiety. Some are not as much fears as just things that bother me to the point of obsessing over them, but all are fairly nonsensical. These listed fears/phobias/obsessions have carried over, even if only slightly, into my adulthood and in some way or other, still affect me.

Apple Juice

-Stems from: A fear that people will think that I am drinking urine, but not the fear that I am actually drinking urine.
-Results in: Either not drinking apple juice, or having to drink it out of a non-transparent vessel.

Velcro®

-Stems From: The sound of Velcro® making me grind my teeth

-Results in: Not owning shoes or clothing that require Velcro® to fasten them shut (which is okay, seeing as I am not Barbie™, who is really the only one whose clothing requires Velcro®).

Escalators

-Stems From: Fear of eternally falling down the escalator/dying.

-Results in: Taking my sweet time (three steps) getting on the escalator and coordinating my exit perfectly.

Clowns

-Stems from: Clowns are scary looking.

-Results in: Avoidance of the circus, turrets-like yelling when I unexpectedly see a clown(s).

Raccoons

-Stems from: Reading stories of rabid raccoons and raccoons being the only scary animal that inhabits these city streets.

-Results in: Waiting in my car for a half hour until the goddamn raccoon removes itself from the front of my gate so I can go inside.

Feet

-Stems from: Other people's feet, for the most part, either smelling bad or looking bad, and still being acceptable to present in the bare form.

-Results in: Freaking out and cussing a lot when feet get too close to my line of vision, touch me or are inappropriately placed on tables/eating spaces.

Brushing Teeth

-Stems from: Okay, for clarification, it is not the act of brushing of one's teeth- especially not those that belong to myself, but rather, the sound of other people brushing their teeth. Much like Velcro®, this sound makes me cringe and I pray for a quick end to it.

-Results in: The personal use of an electric tooth brush, fast forwarding past parts in movies where people are brushing their teeth, leaving the room when friends are brushing their teeth.

Mini marshmallows

-Stems from: A fear of choking to death.
-Results in: Being nervous around hot chocolate.

Really blond children

-Stems from: Watching the movie Village of the Damned.
-Results in: Not being able to look blond children in the eyes, especially if they are in pairs.

Dancing Bonita Flakes

(youtube video)

-Stems from: Rick unexpectedly ordering them at boom noodle.
-Results in: Me crying in public over the shock of seeing moving food and the people sitting next to us to laugh at my being ridiculous.

Bed Bugs

-Stems from: Listening to an episode of This American Life about reasons why people can't sleep- bed bugs being one of them and ruing many people's lives.
-Results in: Me washing my sheets sometimes twice a week and vacuuming my mattress even though it has one of those protective coverings on it frequently.