11.15.2012

She's a Lady

 Mallory, this one is for you!

As you may or may not know (or be able to gather by my general satirical nature/female-ness/posts about cats), there is a pretty good chance that- should my witty banter, lovably sensible personality, and cute, girlish looks not be enough for Mike- I'll inevitably become thee crazy cat lady. 

But is it really so bad?  If you haven't already watched the charmingly, eh, who am I kidding, the depressing mini-doc about crazy cat ladies, then you haven't been marred by a bias that these women are sad and lonely and slightly insane. 

Well, I'm here to bring forth, into the light, all the BENEFITS of this life-style.  Let's take a looksy, shall we?

1. Constant company!

You'd be surrounded by companions!  When one gets bored with you, another would, in theory, be waiting your temporary approval!

2. You don't have to pay for cuddles
....Aside from with your soul or in cat treats.  You're also less creepy than the guys who own real dolls (see also: short doc "Guys and Dolls: Real Dolls and the Men that Love Them.")

3. Saving $$ on heating bills

Anyone who has had a cat lay on their backs or feet or legs can tell you that their body heat is, if not almost too much, better than a heater.  Think of all the money you could save by using kitties as a living blanket, of sorts.

4. Perfect movie companions
My kitty will sit on the couch, cuddle, and watch movies with me with out ever complaining that it's too violent, too girly, too gory, or giving away the intricate plot details.  Plus, they don't chide you if you fall asleep during the movie, as, most likely, they are falling asleep as well.

5. If you die, and are all alone, you don't have to worry about body disposal.
 Seriously, your cats will probably eat you.  Once they get the taste of human blood, they will probably go on a rampage and avenge your death as well.

6. If they die...
You could make a fashionable coat from them- or even if they don't die, but just give them summer hair cuts.  But we all know that I prefer cat gloves over cat coats.  It seems a lot more humane, to me, to repurpose the cat instead of dumping their bodies in the dumpster before trash day.  For those of us who live in an apartment complex, it's not as though we can just bury them any where, cremation is expensive and then you have the question of what to do with cremains, so why not make something seasonably fun in memory of a beloved pet.  It's less creepy then walking in a house full of taxidermied cats as well.  At least, I think so.

7.  They ENCOURAGE naps!
 All I really want are more naps with out feeling guilty.  Cats encourage them.  More cats = more naps.

7. They're are not actual children, so you can save on child care.

8.  They're cats.
I mean, look at them.  Daaaaaw!

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